Trombone and Contemplation
Trombone-less, I dropped to the floor outside the dressing room where I take my trombone lessons. John, my lesson teacher, had taken the news of my hunger strike very well and decided we should work on the mental aspects of musicianship for our last three lessons of the semester. God bless his soul. Shooting lungfuls of air through yards of metal tubing and yanking a slide back and forth can be tiring.
At 11 o’clock, the door swung open to reveal his ever-welcoming face. He’s young, freshly-employed, and optimistic. As I sat down quietly beside him, John leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin.
“I’m intrigued by this,” he told me. “We don’t usually get to attack music from a theoretical and mental perspective.”
We talked about the power of the mind for awhile and swapped stories about the placebo effect. In one study, he explained to me, a group of maids were told their work was very good exercise and another group was told nothing. The group told that were told their work was good exercise quickly lost weight. The other group lost little to nothing. In another study, two groups of forty-year olds were being taught a new language. The first group was told that at around age 40, the brain experiences a “renaissance of the mind” that makes learning easy. The second group was told nothing. The first group was soon eight weeks ahead of their peers in their study of the language.
John concluded, “You have to know in your mind what sort of music you want and not let your body get in the way of that music.” We spent the next forty-five minutes analyzing a song melodically, harmonically, rhythmically, orchestrally, and by its range and form.
Indeed, the mind is extraordinarily powerful and subject to influence. People suggest things and they stick.
This fast becomes burdensome, not because I’m hungry and my muscles feel weak, but because the people who I love the most refuse to support me. It’s very heavy. The twinkle leaves their eyes when they draw close, their voices become solemn, and they remind me in small ways that they disapprove of my action. They list everything that could happen to me. I could do permanent damage to my kidneys, my heart could fail, I could go blind, I could fail my classes, I could get keytoneacidosis, or die in my sleep. They don’t believe what I’ve set out to do is physically possible. “I’ve done my research,” they say. “You just can’t make it that long.” They tell me I’m stupid and irrational.
I hear these things and they’re difficult to bear. The negativity sucks my energy away and leaves me feeling empty. I carry their words with me when I walk across campus, climb stairs, open doors, sit down or stand up. You’re wrong, you’ll die, you’re silly, I don’t support you.
They don’t understand; I’m set on doing this and they can’t change my mind. Climate change is serious and urgent enough to do something as serious as fast. The situation is dire. Look at me! I don’t like being hungry, but I know this issue is so important that I have to stand and say, “I won’t stand for this anymore.” I’m doing and expressing my dissatisfaction in the most significant way I can.
Maybe they don’t realize that the more often they suggest I’ll suffer, the more likely I will. Fantasies of losing my sight and having a heart attack run through my head. Maybe they’d feel satisfied to know their comments make me heavy with thoughts of death. But they won’t change my mind. I’ve already agreed to drink liquid juices if things start to go awry. What further comfort can I offer them?
I wish there was a group of people cheering me on, saying, “We know you can do it and thank you!” I need some positive reinforcement. But I’m being too dramatic because there are a lot of people who say they support me and will do anything to help. They are close to me too. Still, the closest have removed themselves the farthest.
A bright moment last night though! My spirit soared upon finding an email in my inbox from a dear but distant friend. He wrote, “I was reading your proposal on Facebook [where I posted my hunger-striking intentions] and I am impressed. However, some of your friends have terrible comments that pissed me off. Cheating the system? Anyway, keep up the good work and let me know you need any help.” His support means more to me than he knows. Ah, the sweet flavor of vindication!
Maybe I should start meditating. I know what I’ve set out to do, and now I can’t let my body or mind get needlessly in the way.
-Mikayla
I support you, Mikayla. :(
By Patrick, on Wed, 11/11/2009
Try to translate concern from loved ones into Love. Know that that’s where they’re coming from. Leave the negative side of their ‘concern’ in another compartment and put that aside. Visualize the Love as bright light, and draw from that. The power of Love is pretty amazing stuff. ~karla
p.s. I’m participating in a rotating CJ fast organized by Greenfyre. My Love and Energy and Support are with you. You’re AMAZING! Godspeed, my friend.
By Karla (Michigan), USA on Thu, 12/11/2009
I wish our colleges were closer so I could tell you personally that I believe in you.
By Jen, on Thu, 12/11/2009
I believe in you, Mikayla! Stick with what you know is right. Seek the truth within you and avoid negativity from outside sources. We’re all behind you!
By Mariah, on Thu, 12/11/2009
I think you’re doing an amazing thing by fasting for 42 days. It takes a great deal of discipline and a real commitment to your cause to be able to do something like this. Far from being “silly”, your actions are admirable and commendable.
By AC, Williamstown, MA on Thu, 12/11/2009
Hey! I think you are doing humanity a great service by fasting. It is not only a selfless act that shows dedication to the pressing issue of climate change, but it inspires others to contemplate their own level of dedication to the cause. If you care about this enough to NOT EAT for days on end, it makes me wonder how far I am willing to go to demand action for change. And not only are you making a demand, but you’re doing it through active nonviolent methods. I salute your bravery and commitment! Stay healthy and have fun meditating!
By Stevie, Williams College on Thu, 12/11/2009
Mikayla, I know that words of encouragement from distant individuals, some you have never met, fall all too short of the support that you will assuredly need during this journey you’ve undertaken. Just know that you truly are an inspiration. May you be blessed with the strength of body, spirit, and mind to continue along this challenging path of being true to your beliefs that you have set forth to travel. If only more people could be so brave…
“To believe in something, and not live it, is dishonest…”
-Gandhi
By Alex, Williams College on Thu, 12/11/2009
Oh I know how you feel! People back here think I’m crazy. I’m on day 6. But I keep telling them the loony part comes after a few more days like in another week or so. Just humor them, and keep strong!!!
By Tara Almario, Manila, Philippines on Thu, 12/11/2009
Mikayla,
You are an extraordinarily brave and strong individual. Know that those who you are closest to you who seem to be pulling away are likely to be doing so because they care more about you than your cause; after all, you seem much closer to them than all consequences of climate change. In fasting for these many days, you are proving to them, and to all of us, that climate change is a serious issue - an issue of life or death - which so many still don’t understand or refuse to understand. Thank you for refusing to let people ignore climate change - you are an inspiration to all of us.
By Sara, Williams College on Thu, 12/11/2009
Mikayla, We support you but we also love you. Looking out for someone even when they dont want you to can be really tough. There is nothing I would love more than just to jump in with you and not worry. But I can’t, I have to listen to what I know is the right thing for me to do, just as you do too.
Dont forget we love you :(
By Maeve, on Fri, 13/11/2009